Oh, girl. How could you?
You could have helped countless young women leave abusive relationships for good.
But, no. You decided that this is okay.
You decided to get back together with your abuser.
You gave countless young women a reason to accept abuse.
You’re young, but you didn’t have to be blind. There is plenty of proof that abusers will usually offend again.
When it happens to you, despite whatever promises have been made, you’ll be so humiliated to be proven wrong that you’ll do whatever it takes to hide the proof from friends, family and especially fans. You won’t be able to break up without rumors flying and even if you tried, he’d probably woo you back with more empty promises of change.
Welcome to the Cycle of Abuse. You should have left the very first time he ever disrespected you, girl. No doubt about that.
“It’s very common for domestic violence victims to be uncooperative. They may forgive their significant other, blame themselves for having an argument, and want to forget the fight ever happened.”
— L.A. criminal defense attorney Susan Haber
We’ll see if the courts will be as forgiving.
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I don’t think there is anything more important to share than this:
The most critical reason to leave an abusive relationship is that your children are more likely to end up in abusive relationships if you stay.
Often, women (and men) who endure domestic violence will not leave for themselves. Self is lost in that situation. Self has no value. They feel worthless.
But when there are children involved, it is unconscionable to let them grow up to repeat the cycle without taking whatever action necessary to break it.
I have mixed feelings when it comes to talking about my own story. I would prefer to let it remain as distant and blurry as a memory of a past life. But my personal experience is relevant here. If sharing it saves one girl, it is worth it.
Moving on.
The second strongest motivating factor in ending a past violent relationship was a friend who convinced me, after years of hearing otherwise, that I did not deserve what I endured.
But the most influential factor was the knowledge that if I stayed, my little girl would be more likely to allow herself to be treated the way I allowed myself to be treated.
Not. A. Chance. In. Hell.
February 2-6, 2009, is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week.
I’ve created a Squidoo lens to promote this, and will be posting updates on Twitter and Facebook as well.
Join me in spreading the word.
Zero tolerance.
Being a child of the 70s, myself and many of my Gen X friends have teenage daughters and sons, growing up in an increasingly violent world.
Don’t assume that because you don’t see any signs of abuse that it doesn’t happen, hasn’t happened or won’t happen. It may be comparatively easy to talk to your kids about sex and drugs. Be sure you don’t overlook talking about relationship violence.
I’ve never considered myself a “victim” and I know that many, many people who have been in an abusive relationship suffered far more physical and mental harm. Honestly, the whole “this isn’t that bad” or “it could be worse” kept me in place for an embarrassingly long time.
There should not be such a concept as an acceptable level of abuse.
Pass it on.
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abusive boyfriend,
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Once upon a time, life sucked.
sticker from cafepress.com/verbalaa
…
I created this somewhat crude text design early in my love/hate relationship with Adobe Illustrator, as a newly divorced community college art student.
It later occurred to me that I could raise funds for local domestic violence shelters by offering the design on merch at CafePress. But I didn’t think many people would respond to it.
To my surprise, one person recently bought hundreds of these stickers. I can only guess it was to hand out to survivors and others who might help spread awareness of the key message: verbal abuse is still abuse.
Due to this person’s generosity, I will have a check ready for the SIREN shelter right after the holidays. Just about the same time 8 years ago when I would have needed their help had I not had family to turn to.
Thank you.
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verbal abuse
Tomorrow I’ll be going to the local homeless/domestic violence shelter and donating a variety of clothes, toys and household items collected from co-workers over the past two weeks.
No one asks why I choose to support a domestic violence shelter, versus giving outgrown or unneeded stuff to a thrift store, for instance. I think it is one of those things that you don’t really think about unless it happens in your family.
• What is abuse?
Domestic violence touches too many lives for it to be hidden and reside quietly in normal-looking houses where the victims live in denial, fear and shame.
I don’t think of myself as a victim. I went through some stuff. It was nothing compared to what some go through. It challenged me, but it did not defeat me.
I chose to forgive. I know that a lot of people cannot understand how I could do this, but I did it for me. Being unforgiving places an unnecessary weight on your shoulders; a blackness that stains you. I will never forget what is in my past, but I do not let it rule my future. Remaining angry at someone doesn’t hurt them, but the negativity can ruin you.
• Cycle of violence
In leaving, I was born again. Not in the Christian sense, but as a whole individual person, emerging from a cocoon. The support I received from family and friends was phenomenal. With their help, I have accomplished more in the past six years than in my entire life before that. The power of a positive outlook is amazing.
Life itself has not gotten easier. There have been very trying times, critical amounts of stress, even despair. Frustration and sadness, fear and anger still exist in life… but having love, security and support where there once was the absence of such things, makes even the most painfilled days much easier to bear. I could never say enough positive things about my new husband, and how accepting he is of my every flaw. And oh, they are many. Like the stars.
• Power and control
Check into your local domestic violence “safe place” and see what you may be able to do to help someone without the network that helped me emerge. Our local shelter has a website with a list of immediate needs for their families. Many times, a woman (or man*) will have to leave in the middle of the night with the children and nothing else; even the smallest thing that we often take for granted can be a blessing.
*note: both men and women can be abusive… linked text is written from the majority viewpoint of the male partner being the abuser
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cycle of abuse,
domestic violence